I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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