I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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