And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Randomize
