community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
