I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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