Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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