Why are handjobs necessary in class?
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
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