he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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