This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
you inspire me to be a worse person
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Randomize
