oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
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