If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
all ten of us were sitting in his room with the lights off and staring at his colorful moving screensaver for two hours. That high.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
