The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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