david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
