my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
