I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize
