So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize
