you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
