i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Randomize
