im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
Randomize
