Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
