life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
So yes, he's hot, a scorpio, an artist and a perfect cock. I think my bi train just arrived in gay town.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
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