I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
