Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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