I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
this just has baby written all over it
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
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