I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
