Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
