My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize