he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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