I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Randomize
