I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
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