i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
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