hide the guitars, Nate just learned to play free fallin'
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
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