You don't have asthma, your pregnant
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize