apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Randomize
