i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
