I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
Randomize
