I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Randomize
