Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
