Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
