Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
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