I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
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