I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
