I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
Ask Niel how long his lasts if he plays with it a lot.
he says 15-20 minutes depending on the porn.
no his phone, idiot.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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