I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Randomize
