I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
I think men at large are the problem in most or all relationships. It's like trying to drag a three-legged retarded puppy through an obstacle course
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
