Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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