The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
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