They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
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