Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Randomize
