so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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