My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
After tacos, we're chasing women.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
