i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
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