My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
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