Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Randomize
