Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
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