Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
