somebody snuck up and got me drunk
so how does one go about finding a summer fling?
take advantage of an intern
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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