I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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