DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
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