Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Randomize
