its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
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