Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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