Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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